Friday, February 27, 2009

Looking In The Studio Window

Stolen Quote

"I believe that we are put here in human form to decipher the hieroglyphs of love and suffering. And, there is no degree of love or intensity of feeling that does not bring with it the possibility of a crippling hurt. But, it is a duty to take that risk and love without reserve or defense."
- Allen Ginsberg

Sometimes just friendly


and then i wonder ...... what is different here than something i have done so many times before
and not been deeply touched by
certainly pleasant or maybe even necessary
sometimes amazing sometimes just friendly
is it different to you really?
what you describe with me has been that way for you so many times

i must somehow believe that there is more to be had than what i have found thus far
and you certainly offer it...
and i certainly am willing to offer back

what it all comes down to for me is
i am in my walled fortress until the bricks come down
how they crumble...
i dont even know

WHO KNEW?

yes who the fuck knew
at 57
only now actually dealing with something of my first days and months
and nothing special
nothing out of the ordinary
1952 just the way it was
some of us liked the coming out and floating
and others
i guess like me
felt lost and afraid and rejected
attached for that time and suddenly cold and alone and no one telling us
its ok
you arent alone
soothed and loved

and now i am 57 years old
not yet a grandmother
my life and my perception of life so different that i assumed it would be

still 57 years later
desperate for someone to attach to
so desperate they run in fear for their own safety it seems
and me so full of shame for my neediness

yet i can have sex so easily...... who knew at 57 women became like i have
i would rather take my literal clothes of than my figurative
i can go down on any man or men
in home hardware i look at them and know their secrets
i can do these things with such ease and confidence


there are those of us in this world consumed by it and the different ways of it
i am consumed as well as a consumer
and the words and ways of the sexually obsessed


but go on a date?
or be real about other things
or talk about money i laugh
or let it just unfold with a man

even sons afraid of my killer grasp


some of you have been so brave and i thank you
and to some others i dont know what to say
the men could just feel it i am told
i was drowning and they were so afraid of being pulled down too

i knew but i didnt
and am humiliated and ashamed

Thursday, February 26, 2009

I KEEP /STILL HERE....JILL SCOT


Some of them wanna break you down, steal your crown
Use and abuse you.
Some of them smile in your face, cause they heard it some place,
You got more then their used to
Some of them want to steal your love, ooh
Cuz they're jealous of ...how you're living and giving.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come thru ...and I cry when I need too.

Some of them, oh they stab you in your back, cuz it's love they lack.
Some of them won't even try ...to see the good inside.
But I ....

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing

Hey. Oh oh oh
I keep on , keep on living, keep on learning , keep on smiling ooh ooh yeah
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming, keep on believing, keep on achieving.
I keep smiling when I come thru, and I cry when I need to
(Adlib below)
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yea yea yeah
I keep on , keep on keeping on.
Yea. I keep ,keep on keep keepin on keep keeping on

he tells me

you will go to an edge with me and the edge under your feet will drop away
and my right arm will be around you
and my left hand holding your left

what you seem to offer

seems to be what i was looking for
without me knowing just what it was

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Forsythia



coming home yesterday
stopped at the end of the driveway and picked some twigs of forsythia
no yellow showing on the buds yet
none the less the arrangement in a huge glass bucket is quite stricking

so many years now i have been picking branches , bringing them in to bloom
already some wind fallen branches of plum have bloomed in big vases so lovely
the forsythia takes me back to the home i grew up in...most years i keep my eye out for piles of pruning to bring in and watch as the spring comes in

one of my favorite "forcings" were fat maple shoots two or more feet long
the buds getting bigger and bigger and covered in sap
the sticks themselves so straight and strong
watching this incredible sexual energy
and the cycle of life that continues

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Shaken

shaken to the core
albeit briefly if you take in a life time
despite our inability i believed he was maybe the best poet i had ever met
even after he ran i printed them out
and even after he disappeared i still believed in him
saw his fear and found all my faults (the ones i could see at that point anyway)
it was all going to be ok i believed

and besides that i jumped into bed with B and that helped for a bit

so
and tho
i heard him calling
and wrote
and he had been calling
and our talk was so filled with what still could be's
and then i started to shake
he promised he wouldnt run again



ha
so i am scared and he is more scared
and i hope he will sooth my fears

i couldnt leave the bed
i mean it i couldnt
and i had such dreams
when i woke all i could "hear" was his screaming
screaming like a wounded animal

he told me to go
not write just go
then E read me his poem to her
her smile her eyes her perfect body
and more

he had maybe loved her
and was that why he didnt me?
well WTF
i beg myself
i beg something bigger
dont let me lose hope in love

and he writes
"my need to convey is greater then my shame"
head hung exposed


E and i ...having been close
are not at this point
and bigger and other reasons than that troll who we let play us
truly i dont want to look at her beautiful eyes and smile and perfect body right now either

that is against every feminist being i have in myself
its just what is true today... true
from my darkness

as for his poetry
i dunno right now
 

yasmin