Looking In The Studio Window

Stolen Quote

"I believe that we are put here in human form to decipher the hieroglyphs of love and suffering. And, there is no degree of love or intensity of feeling that does not bring with it the possibility of a crippling hurt. But, it is a duty to take that risk and love without reserve or defense."
- Allen Ginsberg

Sometimes just friendly

and then i wonder ...... what is different here than something i have done so many times before
and not been deeply touched by
certainly pleasant or maybe even necessary
sometimes amazing sometimes just friendly
is it different to you really?
what you describe with me has been that way for you so many times

i must somehow believe that there is more to be had than what i have found thus far
and you certainly offer it...
and i certainly am willing to offer back

what it all comes down to for me is
i am in my walled fortress until the bricks come down
how they crumble...
i dont even know

WHO KNEW?

yes who the fuck knew
at 57
only now actually dealing with something of my first days and months
and nothing special
nothing out of the ordinary
1952 just the way it was
some of us liked the coming out and floating
and others
i guess like me
felt lost and afraid and rejected
attached for that time and suddenly cold and alone and no one telling us
its ok
you arent alone
soothed and loved

and now i am 57 years old
not yet a grandmother
my life and my perception of life so different that i assumed it would be

still 57 years later
desperate for someone to attach to
so desperate they run in fear for their own safety it seems
and me so full of shame for my neediness

yet i can have sex so easily...... who knew at 57 women became like i have
i would rather take my literal clothes of than my figurative
i can go down on any man or men
in home hardware i look at them and know their secrets
i can do these things with such ease and confidence


there are those of us in this world consumed by it and the different ways of it
i am consumed as well as a consumer
and the words and ways of the sexually obsessed


but go on a date?
or be real about other things
or talk about money i laugh
or let it just unfold with a man

even sons afraid of my killer grasp


some of you have been so brave and i thank you
and to some others i dont know what to say
the men could just feel it i am told
i was drowning and they were so afraid of being pulled down too

i knew but i didnt
and am humiliated and ashamed

I KEEP /STILL HERE....JILL SCOT

Some of them wanna break you down, steal your crown
Use and abuse you.
Some of them smile in your face, cause they heard it some place,
You got more then their used to
Some of them want to steal your love, ooh
Cuz they're jealous of ...how you're living and giving.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come thru ...and I cry when I need too.

Some of them, oh they stab you in your back, cuz it's love they lack.
Some of them won't even try ...to see the good inside.
But I ....

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing

Hey. Oh oh oh
I keep on , keep on living, keep on learning , keep on smiling ooh ooh yeah
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming, keep on believing, keep on achieving.
I keep smiling when I come thru, and I cry when I need to
(Adlib below)
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yea yea yeah
I keep on , keep on keeping on.
Yea. I keep ,keep on keep keepin on keep keeping on

he tells me

you will go to an edge with me and the edge under your feet will drop away
and my right arm will be around you
and my left hand holding your left

what you seem to offer

seems to be what i was looking for
without me knowing just what it was