hard choices

its hard to choose sometimes
to take the chance
by being true to myself
chance that a friendship will end

or act another way just to keep the status quo
to be able to even see the person

i made a hard choice
i dont think my friend even understands
and i know i have to be prepared to loose them entirely
i like myself better
i like myself rather than dont


i remember the 4 days of agony before i ended it with "the boy"
the pain of the choice
the clarity of the only answer
the sadness of choosing the end

and even today
he wont speak or acknowledge me
i understand
and have to accept it
have peace

loneliness

i dont know why i am so embarrassed to admit my loneliness..... i am very lonely at times
it likely isnt good that i work at home either.
today downtown i ran into a lover .... not a boyfriend ... a lover
he was glad to see me and we chatted and he hugged me warmly
i told him that i had to move and he was sad
he has a girlfriend now... i asked about her.... shouldnt have
when we said goodbye
i was overcome with sadness
we dont feel that way about each other...so i dont know the reason for my sadness
later a couple of native guys said hello
one pointed to his friend telling me he was up for adoption
did i want to adopt him?
the other guy says dont
and they wander off
magee said once
some qoute maybe the buddha?
"we are all just trying too get thru"
aint that the truth

status update oct 9

had lunch with b
he looked and was so sad
that i had tears too
and later in the car we had a deep talk and i really cried

stolen

totally stolen from ken
button crows
the red one has a bit of a steampunk look

boiling up

inspired by india
and not having a clue as to what i was doing
i boiled up a pot of lavender and something that looks like eucalyptus
stems and everything
added these bits of fabric
the wool is the most interesting
and it has moth holes (i like that)
these bits will be used in the textile collages i have been doing so moth holes only add to the the charm
i do imagine that boiling it up in some coffee with give the same colour
but not the same kind of magic

in progress

i have been feeling bad about not writing
the truth is i have been sewing like a fiend
so better to show you the in progress
soon enough i will show finished products
keep in mind this is preparation for christmas sales

at work