WHO KNEW?

yes who the fuck knew
at 57
only now actually dealing with something of my first days and months
and nothing special
nothing out of the ordinary
1952 just the way it was
some of us liked the coming out and floating
and others
i guess like me
felt lost and afraid and rejected
attached for that time and suddenly cold and alone and no one telling us
its ok
you arent alone
soothed and loved

and now i am 57 years old
not yet a grandmother
my life and my perception of life so different that i assumed it would be

still 57 years later
desperate for someone to attach to
so desperate they run in fear for their own safety it seems
and me so full of shame for my neediness

yet i can have sex so easily...... who knew at 57 women became like i have
i would rather take my literal clothes of than my figurative
i can go down on any man or men
in home hardware i look at them and know their secrets
i can do these things with such ease and confidence


there are those of us in this world consumed by it and the different ways of it
i am consumed as well as a consumer
and the words and ways of the sexually obsessed


but go on a date?
or be real about other things
or talk about money i laugh
or let it just unfold with a man

even sons afraid of my killer grasp


some of you have been so brave and i thank you
and to some others i dont know what to say
the men could just feel it i am told
i was drowning and they were so afraid of being pulled down too

i knew but i didnt
and am humiliated and ashamed