blue shirt
burgundy suspenders
black white and grey patterned tie
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
emily talks about her audition at the apollo theater
I stole this from emily's facebook
forgive me Em
and please enjoy this story from one of my best friends
and check her out
and here is a great review of her live album "view street session"
On Saturday, March 14th, I woke up at 7am, got dressed, grabbed an apple and walked from my apartment on 117th and Manhattan to the Apollo Theater on 125th St. in Harlem.
.
I stepped into my place at the end of the line, which by 8 am extended from the door of the Apollo to halfway around the block. In front of me was a young dancer in sweatpants, nodding her head and inconspicuously practicing her routine. She never took her headphones off. Directly behind me was a proud mom - who coincidently thought I was a dancer, most likely because I kept shaking my legs to keep myself warm. She was there with her daughter, who had recently become part of the chorus in the Broadway production of the Lion King. Oh yes, and there there was a quiet, hilarious, shamelessly self-promoting rapper named Nappy. We all chatted a bit, a few smiles, but mostly we just waited patiently.
I waited outside until 11:30. As we got closer to the door, a few people began to spontaneously bust out with their talents in order to warm up. I was not one of them, by the way! :) There was the occasional gospel number that was powerful enough to make you turn your head to see who would dare. Then there was r&b singer after r&b singer – effortlessly belting out the slick runs from the newest Rihanna, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce, and Ne-yo hit. I didn’t sound like any of them.
187 was my number. The security guard originally told us they would take in 250, but later word got around that the judges were tough, they hadn’t been impressed thus far and had decided to take in another 100 people.
By noon, there were 350 artists sitting in the mezzanine of the Apollo Theater, mostly young artists, from Harlem, Philly, Georgia, Brooklyn, Jersey, Chicago and yes, Idaho. I can’t explain the energy in that place, only that it was absolutely incredible. I waited until 5:30 to audition, but in spite of the hours and the empty stomach, time flew by. The waiting room itself became a show, a venue, a chance to sharpen your skills for the one of the realest audiences ever. It was all about action, not so much about talk. If you tell someone you can sing, they want to hear it. Right then and there. The sing-off’s , the dance off’s, the clapping and the rapping became a constant conversation collaboration between everybody.
You get 90 seconds to do your thing.
I honestly hadn’t been nervous at all the entire day. I kept assuring myself that I was alright, calling on that quiet confidence that tells me I am just as talented as anyone in the building and have something to offer to music, but lord, when they called that number… OH MY GOD. I got a rush of adrenaline that I haven’t experienced… maybe ever?
I sang “Bye Bye Blackbird.” Mostly because I know it so well and I knew it would stand out. I also chose it in order to feel closer to the legends that are the closest to my heart and had done this very thing in this very place, not so many years before.
Bessie, Billie, Ella, Sarah, Aretha, Lauryn Hill... This was even where Louise Rose auditioned for Duke Ellington. Me?
On the one hand, it was nothing. On the other hand, just by being there and opening my mouth to sing, I felt like I became part of 'it.'
Truthfully, I am nervous for the performance! I ain't gonna lie. I don't know what to sing, what to wear, how to act. At the same time, I am soooo excited. When it comes down to it, I already know what I am made of. I know what I am meant to do. Nothing can stop me. It's that quiet confidence that gets me through. And I am already proud of myself... for believing in myself enough to continue - for making my way to New York, for giving life to an album and honestly, for getting my ass out of bed and heading to the Apollo so damn early in the morning! A huge part of me really doesn't care what the outcome is - now, don't get that twisted, I'm gonna sing my soul out that night!
One of the many things I am learning - and sometimes it feels overwhelming- is that no one else can do this for me. These are my feet, I have to take the steps forward to be in the right place..
And then she said, or rather sang, “Blackbird, come over here.”
forgive me Em
and please enjoy this story from one of my best friends
and check her out
and here is a great review of her live album "view street session"
On Saturday, March 14th, I woke up at 7am, got dressed, grabbed an apple and walked from my apartment on 117th and Manhattan to the Apollo Theater on 125th St. in Harlem.
.
I stepped into my place at the end of the line, which by 8 am extended from the door of the Apollo to halfway around the block. In front of me was a young dancer in sweatpants, nodding her head and inconspicuously practicing her routine. She never took her headphones off. Directly behind me was a proud mom - who coincidently thought I was a dancer, most likely because I kept shaking my legs to keep myself warm. She was there with her daughter, who had recently become part of the chorus in the Broadway production of the Lion King. Oh yes, and there there was a quiet, hilarious, shamelessly self-promoting rapper named Nappy. We all chatted a bit, a few smiles, but mostly we just waited patiently.
I waited outside until 11:30. As we got closer to the door, a few people began to spontaneously bust out with their talents in order to warm up. I was not one of them, by the way! :) There was the occasional gospel number that was powerful enough to make you turn your head to see who would dare. Then there was r&b singer after r&b singer – effortlessly belting out the slick runs from the newest Rihanna, Jennifer Hudson, Beyonce, and Ne-yo hit. I didn’t sound like any of them.
187 was my number. The security guard originally told us they would take in 250, but later word got around that the judges were tough, they hadn’t been impressed thus far and had decided to take in another 100 people.
By noon, there were 350 artists sitting in the mezzanine of the Apollo Theater, mostly young artists, from Harlem, Philly, Georgia, Brooklyn, Jersey, Chicago and yes, Idaho. I can’t explain the energy in that place, only that it was absolutely incredible. I waited until 5:30 to audition, but in spite of the hours and the empty stomach, time flew by. The waiting room itself became a show, a venue, a chance to sharpen your skills for the one of the realest audiences ever. It was all about action, not so much about talk. If you tell someone you can sing, they want to hear it. Right then and there. The sing-off’s , the dance off’s, the clapping and the rapping became a constant conversation collaboration between everybody.
You get 90 seconds to do your thing.
I honestly hadn’t been nervous at all the entire day. I kept assuring myself that I was alright, calling on that quiet confidence that tells me I am just as talented as anyone in the building and have something to offer to music, but lord, when they called that number… OH MY GOD. I got a rush of adrenaline that I haven’t experienced… maybe ever?
I sang “Bye Bye Blackbird.” Mostly because I know it so well and I knew it would stand out. I also chose it in order to feel closer to the legends that are the closest to my heart and had done this very thing in this very place, not so many years before.
Bessie, Billie, Ella, Sarah, Aretha, Lauryn Hill... This was even where Louise Rose auditioned for Duke Ellington. Me?
On the one hand, it was nothing. On the other hand, just by being there and opening my mouth to sing, I felt like I became part of 'it.'
Truthfully, I am nervous for the performance! I ain't gonna lie. I don't know what to sing, what to wear, how to act. At the same time, I am soooo excited. When it comes down to it, I already know what I am made of. I know what I am meant to do. Nothing can stop me. It's that quiet confidence that gets me through. And I am already proud of myself... for believing in myself enough to continue - for making my way to New York, for giving life to an album and honestly, for getting my ass out of bed and heading to the Apollo so damn early in the morning! A huge part of me really doesn't care what the outcome is - now, don't get that twisted, I'm gonna sing my soul out that night!
One of the many things I am learning - and sometimes it feels overwhelming- is that no one else can do this for me. These are my feet, I have to take the steps forward to be in the right place..
And then she said, or rather sang, “Blackbird, come over here.”
Like A Flower In The Rain charles bukowski
I cut the middle fingernail of the middle
finger
right hand
real short
and I began rubbing along her cunt
as she sat upright in bed
spreading lotion over her arms
face
and breasts
after bathing.
then she lit a cigarette:
"don't let this put you off,"
an smoked and continued to rub
the lotion on.
I continued to rub the cunt.
"You want an apple?" I asked.
"sure, she said, "you got one?"
but I got to her-
she began to twist
then she rolled on her side,
she was getting wet and open
like a flower in the rain.
then she rolled on her stomach
and her most beautiful ass
looked up at me
and I reached under and got the
cunt again.
she reached around and got my
cock, she rolled and twisted,
I mounted
my face falling into the mass
of red hair that overflowed
from her head
and my flattened cock entered
into the miracle.
later we joked about the lotion
and the cigarette and the apple.
then I went out and got some chicken
and shrimp and french fries and buns
and mashed potatoes and gravy and
cole slaw,and we ate.she told me
how good she felt and I told her
how good I felt and we
ate the chicken and the shrimp and the
french fries and the buns and the
mashed potatoes and the gravy and
the cole slaw too.
Monday, March 30, 2009
de los amores
i love when emily sings this song
i call it the eye eye eye eye song
because i sing along at that part
i wish it was recorded
so i could sing along tonight
eye eye eye eye
Como madrugadas
bebo despertares
me calmo con malicias tuyas
no creo en los metales.
De los amores no entiendo
y del dolor fui el primero
pescador, no soy bella
como duele el esmero
como duele.
Canto vanidades
ro con tu ngel
lloro en el lugar de siempre
me impregno de tus sales.
De los amores no entiendo
y del dolor fui el primero
pescador, no soy bella
como duele el esmero
como duele.
******
English:
Like dawn,
I drink awakenings.
Your mischievous ways
calm my soul
I don't believe in the material
I don't understand about love
And of pain I was the first
Fisherman, I'm not pretty
How love hurts
Oh, how it hurts.
I sing vanities
As your angelic ways humor me
I cry in the usual place
I fill myself with your sweat
I don't understand about love
And of pain I was the first
Fisherman, I'm not pretty
How love hurts
Oh, how it hurts.
bab marley quote
You may not be her first, her last, or her only.
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart.
So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.
— Bob Marley
She loved before she may love again.
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart.
So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.
Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.
— Bob Marley
Sunday, March 29, 2009
beeswax basket
ok so
start with a papermaking class
at the same time
watch some of the basket weaving
and throw in a little ken
does this make any sense?
of course not
mystery
i am on an internet dating site
have been for maybe 3 years
over that time i have changed my profile quite often
coming up with new fancy names and matching photos
or looking for love
or looking for lovers
i have made friends that i have never met
and lovers that i still see
and have fallen in love a couple times or more
the last man i "fell" for didnt work out
or maybe it worked out for as long as it was supposed to
it was funny because he had contacted me a year or so ago and i blew him off
and then when we met i really ended up liking him
we chatted once or twice about why i blew him off and i must say he remembered more than i did about that
so, yeah its sad for sure when one person wants one thing and the other person another
yet somehow
i really like that i met someone that i felt like that with
i know i will meet more men
and when i am ready and whoever he is is ready too
it will unfold
maybe it will be tomorrow
anyway looking over mens profiles lately i notice that there is a whole lot of description about what the woman they are looking for should be like
looks interests the whole thing
and
i wondered about that?
should i know more about what i want?
i laugh
and maybe to own lackings
i actually dont want to
i mean
its so cool to fall for someone that is totally different than i would imagine a man i would fall for would be
did anyone see the movie Shakepeare in Love?
remember the Geoffrey Rush character?
he would say he didnt know what was going to happen
because
its a mystery
that is how i feel these days
sometimes sad or even shattered
and
as well
enjoying the unfolding mystery
have been for maybe 3 years
over that time i have changed my profile quite often
coming up with new fancy names and matching photos
or looking for love
or looking for lovers
i have made friends that i have never met
and lovers that i still see
and have fallen in love a couple times or more
the last man i "fell" for didnt work out
or maybe it worked out for as long as it was supposed to
it was funny because he had contacted me a year or so ago and i blew him off
and then when we met i really ended up liking him
we chatted once or twice about why i blew him off and i must say he remembered more than i did about that
so, yeah its sad for sure when one person wants one thing and the other person another
yet somehow
i really like that i met someone that i felt like that with
i know i will meet more men
and when i am ready and whoever he is is ready too
it will unfold
maybe it will be tomorrow
anyway looking over mens profiles lately i notice that there is a whole lot of description about what the woman they are looking for should be like
looks interests the whole thing
and
i wondered about that?
should i know more about what i want?
i laugh
and maybe to own lackings
i actually dont want to
i mean
its so cool to fall for someone that is totally different than i would imagine a man i would fall for would be
did anyone see the movie Shakepeare in Love?
remember the Geoffrey Rush character?
he would say he didnt know what was going to happen
because
its a mystery
that is how i feel these days
sometimes sad or even shattered
and
as well
enjoying the unfolding mystery
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Larry King fashion update... thursday evening
ok all you LK fashion update folks
i am in bed with laptop
8 more minutes and i will get up and turn on the TV
so i can do the update for you
just wait ok
i am waiting
sorry
still
breaking news
dark blue shirt
black suspenders
white tie with diagonal wavy blue patterns
ok good night
i am in bed with laptop
8 more minutes and i will get up and turn on the TV
so i can do the update for you
just wait ok
i am waiting
sorry
still
breaking news
dark blue shirt
black suspenders
white tie with diagonal wavy blue patterns
ok good night
larry king tonight
jeez i almost forgot about the LK report
phew...
ok ok
dark royal blue shirt
navy blue tie with turquoise polka dots
black suspenders
me naked but for a white cotton nightgown with smocking and lace
i do have a hot story about this every so chaste seeming garment
another time tho
so i understand that some women wear panties when they sleep
that sounds uncomfortable to me
but i sleep in a nightgown ...that sounds uncomfortable to naked sleepers tho doesnt it?
and may i say something very non PC
i am in love with adam lambert on american idol
and i guess maybe.... well it seems....he is ...gay
and i am disapointed
keeping in mind thati am 57 years old
i mean really
really????
i mean i glory in his beautiful sexuality
i just wish he would be hot on this old lady
phew...
ok ok
dark royal blue shirt
navy blue tie with turquoise polka dots
black suspenders
me naked but for a white cotton nightgown with smocking and lace
i do have a hot story about this every so chaste seeming garment
another time tho
so i understand that some women wear panties when they sleep
that sounds uncomfortable to me
but i sleep in a nightgown ...that sounds uncomfortable to naked sleepers tho doesnt it?
and may i say something very non PC
i am in love with adam lambert on american idol
and i guess maybe.... well it seems....he is ...gay
and i am disapointed
keeping in mind thati am 57 years old
i mean really
really????
i mean i glory in his beautiful sexuality
i just wish he would be hot on this old lady
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
larry king tuesday night
mauve shirt
purple tie
white suspenders with small squares in diagonal stripes
the squares maybe in mauve and purple
cant see well enough
at least it looks better than last night
myself
well i am wearing cropped linen pants, black with wide bottoms
bare feet and a cowl neck cotton sweater in my fave green
and may i add
it is so fricken cold here in Victoria where is should be almost tanning weather
and i want a big juicy hot dog
but
i digress
back to larry
purple tie
white suspenders with small squares in diagonal stripes
the squares maybe in mauve and purple
cant see well enough
at least it looks better than last night
myself
well i am wearing cropped linen pants, black with wide bottoms
bare feet and a cowl neck cotton sweater in my fave green
and may i add
it is so fricken cold here in Victoria where is should be almost tanning weather
and i want a big juicy hot dog
but
i digress
back to larry
march 24th
e and i
after her work at 10 30 last night
snuck merlin"s gift over to him
(a magic blanket)
left it on the front porch
it was exciting to sneak in the dark
and almost too easy
we went to DQ for sundays with pecans
i kind of believe that i can only think outloud
and this outloud thought got said
"he is like merlin"
it gets too much
his feelings and other peoples feelings
it is just too much
and he gets mad
and after tries to find/make a reason for it
i dont know why at all
and its possible i am right/wrong
i remembered that
saying too
"an attack is a crying out for love"
and i wanted to write yet again
and say
its ok
its all ok
we just need to learn a new dance
and then i knew for merlin too
its ok
its all ok
after her work at 10 30 last night
snuck merlin"s gift over to him
(a magic blanket)
left it on the front porch
it was exciting to sneak in the dark
and almost too easy
we went to DQ for sundays with pecans
i kind of believe that i can only think outloud
and this outloud thought got said
"he is like merlin"
it gets too much
his feelings and other peoples feelings
it is just too much
and he gets mad
and after tries to find/make a reason for it
i dont know why at all
and its possible i am right/wrong
i remembered that
saying too
"an attack is a crying out for love"
and i wanted to write yet again
and say
its ok
its all ok
we just need to learn a new dance
and then i knew for merlin too
its ok
its all ok
to stand alone
you see i never considered that i would be on your list of maybe's
(as is my style)
and when you asked how my word looked beside your word
(each our own wants)
i didnt take it seriously
(saw it as part of your dance only)
i wanted just to stand alone
(a separate list of one)
so when time would pass, and i would think of you
(without regrets)
it would be in only that context
( standing alone)
the one of you and i and our moments in time
when you told me i was on that list after all
(that fucking list)
i couldnt be pleased
(as any club that would have me was one i wouldnt want to join)
of course at the same moment the list was one of hasbeens
(you idiot i thought)
i reminded him that wasnt me
( i was the one that stood alone)
he responded of course
(liking my stance i smile)
of course the curse was
(or quickly turned out to be)
that once i knew that i was on that list
(that fucking list)
i became mundane
(you know just another woman on another list)
to myself and then i saw myself that way
(and informed only by his list)
all this talk of cookies and power by withholding
(as that is the power of the receptive they say)
all makes sense
(i suppose)
yet i still like to think of those times with him when i stood alone
(and there was no one else like me)
(as is my style)
and when you asked how my word looked beside your word
(each our own wants)
i didnt take it seriously
(saw it as part of your dance only)
i wanted just to stand alone
(a separate list of one)
so when time would pass, and i would think of you
(without regrets)
it would be in only that context
( standing alone)
the one of you and i and our moments in time
when you told me i was on that list after all
(that fucking list)
i couldnt be pleased
(as any club that would have me was one i wouldnt want to join)
of course at the same moment the list was one of hasbeens
(you idiot i thought)
i reminded him that wasnt me
( i was the one that stood alone)
he responded of course
(liking my stance i smile)
of course the curse was
(or quickly turned out to be)
that once i knew that i was on that list
(that fucking list)
i became mundane
(you know just another woman on another list)
to myself and then i saw myself that way
(and informed only by his list)
all this talk of cookies and power by withholding
(as that is the power of the receptive they say)
all makes sense
(i suppose)
yet i still like to think of those times with him when i stood alone
(and there was no one else like me)
Monday, March 23, 2009
monday night
soft grey (not pastel) shirt
royal purple suspenders
tie has white background with purple lilac and black stripe
not my favorite colour combos
royal purple suspenders
tie has white background with purple lilac and black stripe
not my favorite colour combos
morgan's blanket
ok ok
i know camouflage is all over
but
and
yet
it is so morgan who is my oldest son
this is the only blanket that is machine stitched
as well machine stitched a few rows half an inch in from the edge so it can unravel and fringe itself
shame
i am so ashamed to have trusted again
so ashamed when i knew his sting already
i wanted to believe in love over fear with him
yet as soon as i opened my heart he slashed it again
and i am still bleeding
so ashamed when i knew his sting already
i wanted to believe in love over fear with him
yet as soon as i opened my heart he slashed it again
and i am still bleeding
Sunday, March 22, 2009
shrunken sweater bag
this pile of shrunken sweater bits have all been dyed green/yellow
tho i usually start with a whole sweater or 2 and add from there
this was a good way to use up leftovers and have some interesting colours
look below for what happens next
getiing ready to stitch
the bag pinned yarn and buttons and more wool to embellish
cat is helping i guess
Saturday, March 21, 2009
another blanket
part of the magicblanket for my friend emily braden
remember that name because one day soon she will be a very well known singer songwriter
check her out here
its these colours because she is blond with beautiful almond shaped turquoise eyes
Friday, March 20, 2009
shoulders
i love men's shoulders
the way a mans back looks
the furrow in the center of the back
the narrow above the hips
and the way it widens to those shoulders
i have seen too many of those walk away from me
the way a mans back looks
the furrow in the center of the back
the narrow above the hips
and the way it widens to those shoulders
i have seen too many of those walk away from me
larry friday night
another blue night
blue shirt almost royal blue
light blue small square patterned suspenders and plain light blue tie
blue shirt almost royal blue
light blue small square patterned suspenders and plain light blue tie
for mister b
- your little voice
Over the wires came leaping
and i felt suddenly
dizzy
With the jostling and shouting of merry flowers
wee skipping high-heeled flames
courtesied before my eyes
or twinkling over to my side
Looked up
with impertinently exquisite faces
floating hands were laid upon me
I was whirled and tossed into delicious dancing
up
Up
with the pale important
stars and the Humorous
moon
dear girl
How i was crazy how i cried when i heard
over time
and tide and death
leaping
Sweetly
your voice
-e. e. cummings
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities
or pride; so I love you because I knew no other
way than this, where 'I' does not exist, nor 'you'.
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so
close that your eyes close as I fall asleep
....Pablo Neruda.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities
or pride; so I love you because I knew no other
way than this, where 'I' does not exist, nor 'you'.
So close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so
close that your eyes close as I fall asleep
....Pablo Neruda.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
magic blanket
here is the one i made for ken and amy
alot of the fabric is retro cottons it is very bright in a way
like a fifties kitchen is bright
you can see the hand stitching
random thoughts
i didnt know what my blog would be .. i mean what would be the focus..... cause i cook and sew and do art and think and all that
any of that could be somewhat interesting to those of us who like reading blogs
so, as ever it seems to be evolving into thoughts on my relationships with men and love and sex
so
i usually have a few lovers and really enjoy having that kind of life
and
relationships dont seem to go easily (for me or anyone it seems)
sometimes i think i have done enough of that
having been married more than once and having grown children
and i am in my late 50's and cant seem to find love...but what is worse my beautiful young friends dont either
i go back and forth between the fun of a few men
and my desires for love and deeper attachment
so what am i trying to say here?
i dunno
except i have been thinking about how women owning their own sexuality
and in doing that ... acting that out in a natural and open way
along with balancing their desires for emotional connection
how that works for them (and me)
in the internet dating world men are having an easier time than ever "getting laid" and are a little spoiled (maybe)
and who could blame them for enjoying the possibilities
hence not so fast to attach to a particular woman
and men my age are tired and jaded
very wary,hurt from their divorces, and dont bounce back as easily to bounce back as women
yet they too can go thru a series of different women very easily
it seems younger men are easy for us old girls
they are more available and intrigued by our experiences
of course
as well as not as likely to form a deeper relationship with us
all that being said obviously i am jaded myself
add my own issues to this mix??
not hopeful sounding am i?
i smile
i have alot of love to give
i just give it differently
to different people in different ways...
so far i smile
any of that could be somewhat interesting to those of us who like reading blogs
so, as ever it seems to be evolving into thoughts on my relationships with men and love and sex
so
i usually have a few lovers and really enjoy having that kind of life
and
relationships dont seem to go easily (for me or anyone it seems)
sometimes i think i have done enough of that
having been married more than once and having grown children
and i am in my late 50's and cant seem to find love...but what is worse my beautiful young friends dont either
i go back and forth between the fun of a few men
and my desires for love and deeper attachment
so what am i trying to say here?
i dunno
except i have been thinking about how women owning their own sexuality
and in doing that ... acting that out in a natural and open way
along with balancing their desires for emotional connection
how that works for them (and me)
in the internet dating world men are having an easier time than ever "getting laid" and are a little spoiled (maybe)
and who could blame them for enjoying the possibilities
hence not so fast to attach to a particular woman
and men my age are tired and jaded
very wary,hurt from their divorces, and dont bounce back as easily to bounce back as women
yet they too can go thru a series of different women very easily
it seems younger men are easy for us old girls
they are more available and intrigued by our experiences
of course
as well as not as likely to form a deeper relationship with us
all that being said obviously i am jaded myself
add my own issues to this mix??
not hopeful sounding am i?
i smile
i have alot of love to give
i just give it differently
to different people in different ways...
so far i smile
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
trying to make rachel laugh
guy goes to the doctor
he has carrots in his ears
peas in his nose
says
doc i have the most terrible headache
doctor says
well first of all you arent eating right
he has carrots in his ears
peas in his nose
says
doc i have the most terrible headache
doctor says
well first of all you arent eating right
cant say no
I'm jist a girl who cain't say no,
I'm in a turrible fix
I always say "come on, le's go"
Jist when I orta say nix!
When a person tries to kiss a girl,
I know she orta give his face a smack.
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I somehow, sorta, wanta kiss him back!
I'm jist a fool when lights are low
I cain't be prissy and quaint
I ain't the type that can faint
How c'n I be whut I ain't?
I cain't say no!
Whut you goin' to do when a feller gits flirty, and starts to talk purty?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at yer lips're like cherries, er roses, er berries?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at you're sweeter 'n cream,
And he's gotta have cream er die?
Whut you goin' to do when he talks that way,
Spit in his eye?
I'm jist a girl who cain't say no,
Kissin's my favourite food
with or without the mistletoe
i'm in a holiday mood.
other girls are coy and hard to catch
but other girls aint havin any fun
every time i lose a wrestling math
i have a funny feeling that i won
although i can feel the undertone
i never make a complaint
till its to late for restraint
then when i wanno i caint
i caint say no
.....from Oklahoma
I'm in a turrible fix
I always say "come on, le's go"
Jist when I orta say nix!
When a person tries to kiss a girl,
I know she orta give his face a smack.
But as soon as someone kisses me,
I somehow, sorta, wanta kiss him back!
I'm jist a fool when lights are low
I cain't be prissy and quaint
I ain't the type that can faint
How c'n I be whut I ain't?
I cain't say no!
Whut you goin' to do when a feller gits flirty, and starts to talk purty?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at yer lips're like cherries, er roses, er berries?
Whut you goin' to do?
S'posin' 'at he says 'at you're sweeter 'n cream,
And he's gotta have cream er die?
Whut you goin' to do when he talks that way,
Spit in his eye?
I'm jist a girl who cain't say no,
Kissin's my favourite food
with or without the mistletoe
i'm in a holiday mood.
other girls are coy and hard to catch
but other girls aint havin any fun
every time i lose a wrestling math
i have a funny feeling that i won
although i can feel the undertone
i never make a complaint
till its to late for restraint
then when i wanno i caint
i caint say no
.....from Oklahoma
the crack
ok
talking like a bigshotknowitall
i will say
ok my opinion
no no
in my experience
sometimes there comes a little crack (like the leonard cohen thing about the crack and the light)
and the world spin does whatever
and things fall totally crazy and upside down and rocks fall on my head
and its TERRIBLE
or actually its good
i mean it doesnt seem good
things feel like losses
look like losses
and they are fucking losses
doncha know
like people i like leave
and
a lover gets a girlfriend
and/or
someone gets honest and then i get honest back and then then then
my head feels a little strange and i am tearful
but
the crack gets bigger and the empty places arent empty but they are opportunities for opportunities
and well here is one thing
i have grey roots
and you know my hair is coloured and its a good colour ( like the jann arden song)
but i think
would it be cool to have a big mass of silver hair?
only a thought but you see the crack and the so called losses leave room for these possibilities
please please
i am aware that hair colour is shallow in the whole scheme of things
and the dress i am going to make myself
shallow too i laugh
maybe i would like to change
or am changing
to a silver haired woman in a short dress
or a silver haired woman in a short dress that loves herself a little more
or a red headed woman in green pants with a frill
who loves herself enough to say no
or say yes
talking like a bigshotknowitall
i will say
ok my opinion
no no
in my experience
sometimes there comes a little crack (like the leonard cohen thing about the crack and the light)
and the world spin does whatever
and things fall totally crazy and upside down and rocks fall on my head
and its TERRIBLE
or actually its good
i mean it doesnt seem good
things feel like losses
look like losses
and they are fucking losses
doncha know
like people i like leave
and
a lover gets a girlfriend
and/or
someone gets honest and then i get honest back and then then then
my head feels a little strange and i am tearful
but
the crack gets bigger and the empty places arent empty but they are opportunities for opportunities
and well here is one thing
i have grey roots
and you know my hair is coloured and its a good colour ( like the jann arden song)
but i think
would it be cool to have a big mass of silver hair?
only a thought but you see the crack and the so called losses leave room for these possibilities
please please
i am aware that hair colour is shallow in the whole scheme of things
and the dress i am going to make myself
shallow too i laugh
maybe i would like to change
or am changing
to a silver haired woman in a short dress
or a silver haired woman in a short dress that loves herself a little more
or a red headed woman in green pants with a frill
who loves herself enough to say no
or say yes
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Larry King
i watch larry king on cnn alot of evenings as i am making dinner
it always seems like he may lose his false teeth
and
just to report
tonight he is wearing a black shirt
silver suspenders
and fairly wide black tie with white polka dots
it always seems like he may lose his false teeth
and
just to report
tonight he is wearing a black shirt
silver suspenders
and fairly wide black tie with white polka dots
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Take the A train
i guess the these thoughts came from rachel's words about sleeping lovers
thanks rachel
cause i have been thinking about sleeping with lovers
each and every one
how they are and how i am with them
when i started to sleep with PH he said he liked the way i was..keeping to myself... not attached to him....later he would climb into bed and get as close as he could calling for his little furnace
in those last years i remember us sleeping side by side holding hands
R who was more of a friend to me than a lover (well in some ways)
cuddled more perfectly
my bum tucked into his crotch
his arms holding me against him
even after we stopped being lovers and happened to sleep in the same bed he would hold me that way
tho years of being lovers
W and i only have slept together once
it was just plain uncomfortable i laugh
one lovely night D and i slept with two little boys between us
his arm across them to touch me
he had to leave early and we managed to wriggle out without waking them to whisper goodbye
i know long term couples who have given up on the same bed
even the same room
one night i slept with a french chef in his industrial kitchen on a blow up mattress it was a very "hot" night
and
he told me i must sleep with my head on his shoulder
he snored so loud tho
and would stop breathing every so often just long enough to scare me
one summer morning with a young lover we slept
the sweetest nap
sleeping at DFF's was like being in hell
the bedroom TV going all night
add the sound of the highway close to the window
and him waking to smoke
in the morning i was so tired i cried
and THE BOY
told me he knew he loved me because he slept so well with me
he would hold me too from behind
the side of his head on the side of mine
him whispering of his love for me
and of my beauty
another R and i slept well together tho not really touching
he was more attached to the cat i laugh
me waking to look at them
R's hand on the cats belly
and the cats
they sleep on either side of me the nights i am alone
leaving me a cotton lined tunnel
B's way of sleeping with me is a great part of his charm
he holds me
his hands on my breasts
as we drift
and we wake in the night to love and
again as it gets light
drifting off again
last night i slept alone
and this morning making myself waffles i listened to some long ella scats
A-train and some others
i danced in the kitchen with the joy of the music
and the thought of the tea and the waffles and maple syrup
with no thoughts of being alone
i smile
thanks rachel
cause i have been thinking about sleeping with lovers
each and every one
how they are and how i am with them
when i started to sleep with PH he said he liked the way i was..keeping to myself... not attached to him....later he would climb into bed and get as close as he could calling for his little furnace
in those last years i remember us sleeping side by side holding hands
R who was more of a friend to me than a lover (well in some ways)
cuddled more perfectly
my bum tucked into his crotch
his arms holding me against him
even after we stopped being lovers and happened to sleep in the same bed he would hold me that way
tho years of being lovers
W and i only have slept together once
it was just plain uncomfortable i laugh
one lovely night D and i slept with two little boys between us
his arm across them to touch me
he had to leave early and we managed to wriggle out without waking them to whisper goodbye
i know long term couples who have given up on the same bed
even the same room
one night i slept with a french chef in his industrial kitchen on a blow up mattress it was a very "hot" night
and
he told me i must sleep with my head on his shoulder
he snored so loud tho
and would stop breathing every so often just long enough to scare me
one summer morning with a young lover we slept
the sweetest nap
sleeping at DFF's was like being in hell
the bedroom TV going all night
add the sound of the highway close to the window
and him waking to smoke
in the morning i was so tired i cried
and THE BOY
told me he knew he loved me because he slept so well with me
he would hold me too from behind
the side of his head on the side of mine
him whispering of his love for me
and of my beauty
another R and i slept well together tho not really touching
he was more attached to the cat i laugh
me waking to look at them
R's hand on the cats belly
and the cats
they sleep on either side of me the nights i am alone
leaving me a cotton lined tunnel
B's way of sleeping with me is a great part of his charm
he holds me
his hands on my breasts
as we drift
and we wake in the night to love and
again as it gets light
drifting off again
last night i slept alone
and this morning making myself waffles i listened to some long ella scats
A-train and some others
i danced in the kitchen with the joy of the music
and the thought of the tea and the waffles and maple syrup
with no thoughts of being alone
i smile
Two Animal Stories
when i went to nap this aft two of my cats were on the bed
i pushed over the male cat just a little
and took a chance
he is very big 16 pounds i think and he and i use to be very close (so to speak)
so i pretended he was a pillow or a teddy bear or maybe a person and put both my arms around him
he rested his head on the arm under him and purred and purred putting his big old paw on my face as we drifted off
well at least i tried because little tiny yet full grown female was there
and she loves the male and tho he likes her he will not let her cuddle up
and she wanted part of this lovefest he and i were having
she circled and licked my hand as i petted her
then circled some more
tried climbing on my side and purred for a while
then down again trying to get in close
lay down close
got up licked me some more
stared at us
then
at last settled down
later W and i went to an Alanon meeting
we havnt been for ages
alanon is for people who are friends and relatives of alcoholics
...when somebody elses drinking causes them a problem...
so the meetings can be emotional
and for the first time there was a small dog in the room at the meeting
a young man spoke warning us "he was not going to be gender appropriate" in that he would likely cry
and he did
after the small dog went to him
putting his front paws on the young mans lap
it was a beautiful moment
no one spoke
just watched and smiled as the man patted the dog
Saturday, March 14, 2009
more on blankets
like alot of textile lovers and sewers and folks like that
i have alot of fabric
this last year i decided to do more of these blankets
hansewn and in varying combinations
cant remember why i decided to start
i know one was a bag of scraps of 4 prints all red and white
or green and white
or red green and white
and i cut and pinned some and took it home to stitch
another was all pinks purples and maroons
and one for my son black white cream with some skulls an t shirt logos
these 3 totally handstitched are actually done
amazing
pics to follow
i have alot of fabric
this last year i decided to do more of these blankets
hansewn and in varying combinations
cant remember why i decided to start
i know one was a bag of scraps of 4 prints all red and white
or green and white
or red green and white
and i cut and pinned some and took it home to stitch
another was all pinks purples and maroons
and one for my son black white cream with some skulls an t shirt logos
these 3 totally handstitched are actually done
amazing
pics to follow
one stitch at atime
i sleep so much these days
last night i slept 12 hours and now at 4 30 i want to nap again
so i wonder and wonder and feel guilty
about missing the days and
then get trapped in too much shame
aside from that i sew
i sew and sew and sew
sitting with 20 threaded needles and stitch little stitches until i have to thread again
it was great during the US election
i found so much comfort in everyday watching of CNN
i knew it would be hard after that....
i laugh
and it was
i am sewing blankets
maybe some would call them quilts but they are just one layer thick
my 3rd husbands sister was a hypnotherapist
and a lying sociopath
but i digress
once when we slept over at her house she sent us down to her "hypno" room to sleep and told us we would feel so wonderful in the morning because
we would be sleep under a blanket that she had programed ...dont ask me how or what
anyway
this so called magical programed blanket turned out to be a grubby looking white polyester thing
a big disappointment to me...as i have a maybe misguided belief that thinks that are magical should have a bit of that look
years later was shown a book on wrapping cloths
japanese and korean wrapping cloths
these are squares of fabric used to wrap a gift are a lunch
a way to carry things around in a bundle
some of these cloths were pieced and hand stitched
the ones i liked the most were of maybe 3 types of fabric in the same colour (at least very close in colour)
so i started one
it was a light coloured green in linen and silk and cotton
all handstitched with cotton embroidery thread using a french seam
i call that an inside out seam
but the piece got bigger and bigger and the green colour was so easy to find in old silk shirts and table napkins and other bits
and i kept sewing
all thru christmas
watching 23 episodes of LOST on dvd
all those lovely stitches
now i would call that a magic blanket.
last night i slept 12 hours and now at 4 30 i want to nap again
so i wonder and wonder and feel guilty
about missing the days and
then get trapped in too much shame
aside from that i sew
i sew and sew and sew
sitting with 20 threaded needles and stitch little stitches until i have to thread again
it was great during the US election
i found so much comfort in everyday watching of CNN
i knew it would be hard after that....
i laugh
and it was
i am sewing blankets
maybe some would call them quilts but they are just one layer thick
my 3rd husbands sister was a hypnotherapist
and a lying sociopath
but i digress
once when we slept over at her house she sent us down to her "hypno" room to sleep and told us we would feel so wonderful in the morning because
we would be sleep under a blanket that she had programed ...dont ask me how or what
anyway
this so called magical programed blanket turned out to be a grubby looking white polyester thing
a big disappointment to me...as i have a maybe misguided belief that thinks that are magical should have a bit of that look
years later was shown a book on wrapping cloths
japanese and korean wrapping cloths
these are squares of fabric used to wrap a gift are a lunch
a way to carry things around in a bundle
some of these cloths were pieced and hand stitched
the ones i liked the most were of maybe 3 types of fabric in the same colour (at least very close in colour)
so i started one
it was a light coloured green in linen and silk and cotton
all handstitched with cotton embroidery thread using a french seam
i call that an inside out seam
but the piece got bigger and bigger and the green colour was so easy to find in old silk shirts and table napkins and other bits
and i kept sewing
all thru christmas
watching 23 episodes of LOST on dvd
all those lovely stitches
now i would call that a magic blanket.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
ROBIN
i had to check in the night before as the c-section was for early the next morning and i was put in a room alone down a hallway away from the other moms
husband dropped me and then went home to take care of our kids.... his child and my 2
i was only 26 but i felt old tired and alone
wandered the halls and talking to the other moms...nervous about the next days surgery
the pain i knew i would be in soon
tried calling home for a chat
i remember wishing husband would surprise me and get a sitter
come sit with me
that evening a big storm rattled the windows
the older nurse said it was a southwester
heavy wind and rain i felt more alone
it was early when they woke me to prep for the surgery and still very windy
the nurse making me roll from side to side listening to the baby's heartbeat...over and over it seemed
still alone in that room down a long hall my hippy doctor arrived looking sleepy...i joked with him about being here so early
i didnt know there was a reason... the baby's heartbeat irregular
the doctor looked worried
and i was very anxious.... in tears
left lying alone there...tubed and wired up
the pay phone far away and me too nervous to think straight and ask someone to call the husband
he was to be there later after my parents came to pick up the other kids
so alone i waited
not knowing what was wrong with my baby
in the operating room they made me lie on my side as it was less stressful for the child
a group of people in there including the pediatrician warming blankets
later in the fog of anesthesia and told i had a third son
i had to explain it all to the husband
the baby in the nursery a little "dusky" they said... (lack of oxygen)
but soon i could have him with me....
my mother brought me forsythia from the her garden in victoria
i still remember clearly my guilt in leaving my home without any dish soap for her
its 31 years ago today
and there was a big windstorm today as well
my "baby" who turned out to be a healthy child and now very intelligent man
lives in vancouver
and we are estranged
my parents both passed
that husband.. took to slapping me more and more
once for using a disposable diaper instead of cloth
i am alone now
i didnt think it would be this way
husband dropped me and then went home to take care of our kids.... his child and my 2
i was only 26 but i felt old tired and alone
wandered the halls and talking to the other moms...nervous about the next days surgery
the pain i knew i would be in soon
tried calling home for a chat
i remember wishing husband would surprise me and get a sitter
come sit with me
that evening a big storm rattled the windows
the older nurse said it was a southwester
heavy wind and rain i felt more alone
it was early when they woke me to prep for the surgery and still very windy
the nurse making me roll from side to side listening to the baby's heartbeat...over and over it seemed
still alone in that room down a long hall my hippy doctor arrived looking sleepy...i joked with him about being here so early
i didnt know there was a reason... the baby's heartbeat irregular
the doctor looked worried
and i was very anxious.... in tears
left lying alone there...tubed and wired up
the pay phone far away and me too nervous to think straight and ask someone to call the husband
he was to be there later after my parents came to pick up the other kids
so alone i waited
not knowing what was wrong with my baby
in the operating room they made me lie on my side as it was less stressful for the child
a group of people in there including the pediatrician warming blankets
later in the fog of anesthesia and told i had a third son
i had to explain it all to the husband
the baby in the nursery a little "dusky" they said... (lack of oxygen)
but soon i could have him with me....
my mother brought me forsythia from the her garden in victoria
i still remember clearly my guilt in leaving my home without any dish soap for her
its 31 years ago today
and there was a big windstorm today as well
my "baby" who turned out to be a healthy child and now very intelligent man
lives in vancouver
and we are estranged
my parents both passed
that husband.. took to slapping me more and more
once for using a disposable diaper instead of cloth
i am alone now
i didnt think it would be this way
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
haikus again for B
my best memory
him straight from a business dinner
serious excited
and me in the tub
he had to pee i made jokes
our plans joining us
he said to the boy
G is a witch you know?
actually he meant it
anything he asked
oh yeh no big deal i said
it was but wasnt
him straight from a business dinner
serious excited
and me in the tub
he had to pee i made jokes
our plans joining us
he said to the boy
G is a witch you know?
actually he meant it
anything he asked
oh yeh no big deal i said
it was but wasnt
a date
the 3 of us went to herman's jazz club on friday night after thai food
jaco patorius tribute
E put T and i on the guest list
actually
guest plus one she said...you 2 are on a date
T was using both cameras..as is her job or delight
these hands look like they can do things i said later seeing the photo
they look like they have done alot of things is maybe more like what i said
and they look kind of old
and sometime they seem so big and scarred that i am a little ashamed
not ladylike indeed
but the are decorated as my best tools
#4
well i have to say that he felt right
it surprised me because he is a more slight man
and i tell myself that i like the burly guys
and his cock isnt big
and the words he doesnt say speak volumes
i am fooled by the way he holds me all night
and how he wakes me at least one more time in the night and again with just enough time to sleep a little before the morning
i said yes again
i asked him if that was his favorite thing about me... my ability to say yes
he said no, its the way to give your whole self with everything you have
it surprised me because he is a more slight man
and i tell myself that i like the burly guys
and his cock isnt big
and the words he doesnt say speak volumes
i am fooled by the way he holds me all night
and how he wakes me at least one more time in the night and again with just enough time to sleep a little before the morning
i said yes again
i asked him if that was his favorite thing about me... my ability to say yes
he said no, its the way to give your whole self with everything you have
small mistake
my bracelet is still on the shelf
betting darker with tarnish
right now the ends are pushed together making it a bangle
i cant remember what the rune symbols are
i tell myself
i tell my other self
that little sad self
if he "B" was the one he would be here
and since he isnt
you know
and it will be ok because i am here holding your hand
and i will love you and stay with you
i find it soothing at these times to tell myself
that each of these men
that i open to
not just open
but give a bit of myself to
that these particular men
the ones that make love
or i let make love to me
any way those guys
loved me too in their way
as i grow older i realize that actually they dont
too bad cause more love makes more love
and the bracelet?
clean it up girl
put it on yours owns arm ok?
betting darker with tarnish
right now the ends are pushed together making it a bangle
i cant remember what the rune symbols are
i tell myself
i tell my other self
that little sad self
if he "B" was the one he would be here
and since he isnt
you know
and it will be ok because i am here holding your hand
and i will love you and stay with you
i find it soothing at these times to tell myself
that each of these men
that i open to
not just open
but give a bit of myself to
that these particular men
the ones that make love
or i let make love to me
any way those guys
loved me too in their way
as i grow older i realize that actually they dont
too bad cause more love makes more love
and the bracelet?
clean it up girl
put it on yours owns arm ok?
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