BUS

the bus from sooke to town takes at least anhour and a half
i ride my bike to the end of my road and lock it at the "park and ride"
anyway an hour and a half!!!
and the bus at many times is filled to many people standing
the Sooke road is known as a windy road at the best of times and i often am on the edge of motion sickness
i am experimenting with different times to take the bus into town
is early morning better?
that kind of thing
and
i still have yet to try the express bus

at first out here i would tell myself i would HAVE to sleep in town if i had an appointment
poor erika with me on her sofa
now i am not so ready to be away for that amount of time and want more to be home (so glad for that)
in the trauma that was in the wake of the break up i found the quiet in my home unbearable.... now i am easier in my own skin
and too i realized i had cable TV withdrawel
renting HBO TV series has helped as well
and today i will try to get a Sooke library card so i can borrow movies rather than rent
i have been reading a huge amount as well and am glad to be back to that

TODAY IN MY WORLD

its been more than a year
i fell in love with a boy and moved 3 times
ended badly, sadly with the boy
i feel traumatized alone...and quite depressed
bereft as i wrote before
worried that it/he was my last kick at the can
my last opportunity for love
and i gave my heart
boy did i give my heart!!
so after 3 horrific moves as i said, i am living 45 miles from victoria in a small logging town called Sooke
i dont have a car and in fact i dont drive
gladly there is a bus
the bus!!! tho is a whole other story
i have moved into a small apartment on the ground floor of my sons newly built house
the grounds are still a bit of a construction site
and the other side of the property line has an accumulation of old cars,boats ...discarded or not fishing equipment...a hoarders collection
in fact theer is a bin 10 feet from my door filled with metal to be recycled (perhaps art pieces waiting to happen) i have picked out a few bitsand pieces
my cats like to play in there.
there are huge cedar trees and RAVENS
oh the ravens
so loud and so magical
i have a patio that i spend much time on and a garden bed that needs to be planted ASAP
it is very nice in so many ways
and i am trying to be willing to find a life here
thankfully my dear friends are making treks out to visit
but
as yet i dont have anyone here that i could even have a cup of tea with

the crow and the worm #5

wriggle in mud
you curly piece of crow food
swallow in one gulp

the crow and the worm #4

crow woman so bored
wormy trying to sound smart
pathetic wee prick

the crow and the worm #3

crow cried for a day
only one worm made her happy
mistaken belief

the crow and the worm#2

pretty little worm
yet slimy and deceitful
go back down your hole!

the crow and the worm #!1

fuck you little worm
i will eat you in one gulp
caw caw caw laughed she

BEREFT

do you know?
how i can be
deeply
deeply
BEREFT
and still not want that boy back
but miss the boy i thought/hoped he was
can you?
do you?
understand how empty can hurt so much
even after a life this long
and
well yes and
the thought of making love with anyone with him .... not wanted no
no no
and to never rub his cheek
oh dear
my head is pounding
i have cried and cried
and every tear a wasted one
that boy not worth a tear at all


to know he has a new woman
a fist POUNDS my chest
stopping my breath
my head spins
for moment i die

no one else to rub my fat belly
and the other things i dont want to say or feel or remember
just that there are the other things
i will sleep tonight and wake in the morning
and talk to cats and sit in the sun