ROBIN

i had to check in the night before as the c-section was for early the next morning and i was put in a room alone down a hallway away from the other moms
husband dropped me and then went home to take care of our kids.... his child and my 2
i was only 26 but i felt old tired and alone
wandered the halls and talking to the other moms...nervous about the next days surgery
the pain i knew i would be in soon
tried calling home for a chat
i remember wishing husband would surprise me and get a sitter
come sit with me

that evening a big storm rattled the windows
the older nurse said it was a southwester
heavy wind and rain i felt more alone

it was early when they woke me to prep for the surgery and still very windy
the nurse making me roll from side to side listening to the baby's heartbeat...over and over it seemed
still alone in that room down a long hall my hippy doctor arrived looking sleepy...i joked with him about being here so early
i didnt know there was a reason... the baby's heartbeat irregular
the doctor looked worried
and i was very anxious.... in tears
left lying alone there...tubed and wired up
the pay phone far away and me too nervous to think straight and ask someone to call the husband
he was to be there later after my parents came to pick up the other kids
so alone i waited
not knowing what was wrong with my baby
in the operating room they made me lie on my side as it was less stressful for the child
a group of people in there including the pediatrician warming blankets

later in the fog of anesthesia and told i had a third son
i had to explain it all to the husband
the baby in the nursery a little "dusky" they said... (lack of oxygen)
but soon i could have him with me....

my mother brought me forsythia from the her garden in victoria
i still remember clearly my guilt in leaving my home without any dish soap for her

its 31 years ago today
and there was a big windstorm today as well
my "baby" who turned out to be a healthy child and now very intelligent man
lives in vancouver
and we are estranged
my parents both passed
that husband.. took to slapping me more and more
once for using a disposable diaper instead of cloth
i am alone now
i didnt think it would be this way